Semi Finals - 17 Again - Mt Roskill Saints Auckland AFL FC

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Tuesday, 24 November, 2009

17 Again...

After last week’s debacle I have agreed to tone it down a little, so here it goes..... The day was a little overcast, firm underfoot, the mercury was holding steady at around 16°C and the crowd was ready for a jolly good clean game of Australian Rules foot..... Bugger this.

Amazingly enough Sunday once again managed to remind me of Zac’s mother (a bit dark, and very, very fine). And a small contingent of Saints players also reminded me of nearly all 3 woman I have bedded (despite a lot of work, none came), leaving Roskill to field just 17 players in the preliminary final.

Once I finished kicking the bejesus out of my dog and downing a 40oz of Riccadonna (stolen from Dave K, if you got a bootleg of last weeks interview) to vent my frustration, I sat down on the embankment to see what damage would be done to the under-manned Saints.

The siren went, umpire Rob blew his whistle and the pain began. University began scoring at will, racking up 50 points in the first quarter alone. The second quarter brought another 40 points to Uni and apart from a few hard bumps by Tabe "Ka-Boom" Voigt and handy defensive work from Peter "Cheetah" Boyce there was little for the Saints to dance about.

The M.R.S tried to regroup at the halftime turn around but the sweet sounding words of injured hero Ian "The Chosen One" Francis couldn’t change the fact that Uni had 5 more players running around and it was the business end of the season. The only bright light coming out of the 3rd quarter was the ferocious way in which Lewis "3 Points" Hurst threw his body around like a whore at a brothel, by the time he clocked off at full time he had chipped a tooth and had an eye that looked like it had been dry humped by Jimmy "Sk8r Boyee" Simons all night.

But it was the forth quarter that brought tears to my eyes. Apart from the time I captained the Mount Isa U12 Wombats (as a dispensated 16 yr old) to a historic win over the Kullamunda Kookaburras I have never seen a final blow out to over 200 points and to see my mighty May Road messiahs fall by such a total was heartbreaking. One sight however made the hair on my scrotum stand on end, that of Dave "F#%k Yeah" Kuss, driving a Blues player into the dirt and then kneading his head with his elbow as if trying to prepare a fresh batch of kick-ass cookies. I was contemplating not attending next weeks game, but after watching the big fella in action I have booked by tickets and found my favourite pair of crotchless panties to throw at him.

This was truly a sad day for Mount Roskill football. To win the competition now it will take not only a huge effort by the Saints men who showed up on Sunday and battled hard despite the odds, but for those Saints who left their fellow Sainters stranded at Merton Road by not turning up to take a bloody good look at themselves, ask their mummies for their balls back, take a concrete pill and turn up to training and the game ready to earn some respect back from their team mates.

An angry Roving Reporter out....

Roving Reporters Best On Ground

1 point - Peter "Cheetah" Boyce – No one knows his actual age, some say 25, some say 250 but whatever this mans snorting, I want some.

2 points - Dave "Eat My Funny Bone" Kuss - Big, rough and tough and I can’t get enough.

3 points - Todd "Weasle" Taverna - after getting his roots dyed turned up to give quotes such as "How good am I?" and "Jar you are to much man for me" showed who the biggest tool in AAFL is at the moment.

SAINTS SUPER DOOOOPER SIT DOWN OF THE WEEK - MICHAEL BOYCE

In 1990 Peter Boyce slipped one past the keeper and found out he was going to have a child (that’s right, Peter was pregnant). Being the smart man that he is, he decided to have an abortion. Unfortunately though the little bugger crawled out of the bucket at the hospital and made his was back to his fathers house. He chose to name it Michael (after Brett Michaels the wrestler). As a child Michael worked in a sweat shop for 22 cents per day making the cardboard rolls which toilet paper goes on. Until one fateful day when Greg "Godfather" Cairns happened to be in need of such a roll and popped into a shop in downtown Mount Roskill. Before him he saw what now can only be described as a "Freak". Michael had created an entire football guernsey and ball out of toilet rolls and was kicking round the corner - left footed banana kicks through toilet roll goalposts. Within years Cairns had signed young Boyce to a contract worth 100000 times his sweatshop wages. But there is no price for the class Boyce brings to Gloucester Park, formerly May Road. His small yet agile frame makes him a livewire in the backline, known for his trade mark "get outta here" punch-spoils he has earned a cult status among young Saints fans. Making NZ U16 and Auckland and NZ U20 the future whispers potential for young Micky. I for one believe.

R.R - Sum up your style of play in 11 words for me Michael

M.B - Ummmm, shit I don’t know, ahhh I guess it would be…

R.R - Stop that’s 11, next question, if you were stranded on a desert island and could only have 3 possessions what would they be?

M.B - Sweet! I never get 3 possessions.

R.R - Alright you muppet, um what’s something your fans don’t know about you?

M.B – I’m the worlds tallest midget.

R.R. – I’m cutting this interview right now.

Michael farts in his hand and puts it over Roving Reporters mouth and then runs away giggling.

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Reserve Grade
University 6. 4. 40 v Mt Roskill 4. 7. 31
North Shore 8. 14. 62 v Waitakere 5. 3. 33

Seniors
University 30. 27. 201 v Mt Roskill 3. 2. 20
Waitakere 11. 13. 79 v North Shore 6. 6. 42