July update - Mt Roskill Saints Auckland AFL FC

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Friday, 2 July, 2010

As I awoke this morning, I reached into my dora explora (jnr you will need to be familiar with this character, please research) pencil case, pulled out a thick red pen and crossed off the 2nd of July and I realised there is only 64 days until the beautiful sherrin will be bounced (or lobbed in most cases) onto the sweet turf of May road.

After changing my pants beacause of an uncontrolled bodily function due to the excitement I decided to scribe the lastest roving installment.

In Mount Roskill scandal, the saints management and coaching staff have found themselves in hot water after a disgruntled insider leaked emails. The email suggests that management have been attending "gentlemens clubs" on the club's dollars with one ex player/coach allegedly thrown out for pushing a dancer off stage and proceeding to sing Men At Work's "land down under" into a tennis racquet. When approached by myself, Club treasurer Jarad wallace, gave a less than satisfactory statement: J.W - "F%$# off we didn't"

In other news Coach Matt Kemp has had some new recruits showing interest in joining the club. One player is 1/5 Australian and the other once knew a guy who saw a AFL ball, so all is looking promising.

June player movements -

Dave Kay - Has finished his anger management course and is said to be in his "happy place" and looking forward to achieving his dream of playing a whole game without getting sent off.

Ian Graham - After shaving off his moustache in May, he realised, like Samson from the bible he lost all his strength and lady-attracting-ability so is looking into medical proceedures to have it re-attached.

Richard Horsley - Just wants to F*#% bad bitches, all those nights he never had bitches, now hes all up in that ass bitches.

Adam Brunt - After suffering terrible alcohol poisoning at last years break-up drinks, Adam is having a stellar soccor season with the Glenn Innes Ewoks, Adam has been told by Ricki Herbert (All Whites coach) to keep working hard because he is the 102nd ranked goalie in NZ and will be looking to make the 2014 World Cup side.

Matt Kemp - Has not been seen since the Gentlemen's club incident, last seen in Oscars bar wearing nothing but his Fancy Pants (M.C. hammer pants)

Coach Kemp however did contact me by tweet, and asked me to pass on to players that you should all getting up to near-game fitness. He wants all on-ballers to be running 15km in under 1 hour, all forwards to have their vertical jump up to 1 metre and for someone to get together with Horse to teach him to kick straight - apparently Coach Kemp is still haunted by Horsley's missed attempt from 1m out against Wikatere in the semi final.

Until next month

Roving Reporter out......................